How do people respond to you?

This is the 2nd in my series of NLP posts for NaBloPoMo.

NLP has a number of presuppositions – things which are always true (according to NLP).  The presuppositions are intentionally ambiguous, with a number of possible meanings and this applies to the one I’m going to discuss today, but bear with it, there are valuable messages in each of them.

Today’s presupposition is a double edged sword:

“The meaning of your communication is the response you get.”

My interpretation of this is twofold:

  • what you say AND the way you say it AND the body language you use while you’re saying it AND everything else which makes up the way you’re communicating something will effect the meaning in your words.
  • be aware of the response you get to your communication because it is a direct reflection of what you said, how you said it, the body language you used etc. (as above).  If you don’t get the response you want or expect, look to yourself and how you communicated your message….. then change it.
Just like yesterday’s post, again the onus is on you to make the changes.
I just love the way this works with communication with kids.  Though I might say/shout “PLEASE WILL YOU JUST BE QUIET” – it’s obvious to the kids that what I mean is “It’s absolutely OK to shout”.  When I tell them they need to be ready in 2 minutes then spend 10 minutes faffing around upstairs, then I’m sending very mixed messages.  Kids are really onto it, particularly with regards to non-verbal communication – generally they know exactly what’s going on – they might not let on that they know what’s going on but they do
Friday’s Pause for Thought on Chris Evans touched on this.  Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer was talking about expectations….  (it’s the last 10 mins of the show) and the text is below.  One of the things we build into our communication is expectation, and this is something that kids react really strongly to.  When we expect them to fail – they are much more likely to do so, when we expect great things of them, they will reward our expectations in spades.  I wish teachers had a better grasp of this; some of the comments I’ve heard from them have been disappointing at best and downright condemning at worst.
A final note and an action for each of us:  the way we communicate with others shapes the way they respond AND the way we communicate with ourselves shapes the way we are.  What can you do today to change the self talk you have with yourself?
This is the second of my NLP posts for NaBloPoMo…. the first (very related) post was about Changing your thoughts to change the world.
If you’re enjoying my posts about NLP you might also like my stuff about Thinking out of the Box.  
From Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer, CEO of a foundation which promotes spirituality in the workplace:

The Magic Suit of Great Expectations

“My wife recently bought our youngest child his first suit for the Jewish festivals. He is only 6 years old – or six and three quarters if you ask him – and putting a small suit on him was a transformative experience. Not only did he look more grown up but he acted more grown up as well. It was as if the suit was magical. Whenever he wore it he behaved extraordinarily well. He was polite, temperate, gracious and a pleasure to be with.

And here is the really interesting bit; this grown up behaviour continues – for the most part – even when he is not wearing the suit. Now if you are an exasperated listener wondering where to get hold of a similar magic suit for your own rambunctious kid you needn’t worry because any suit will do. You see it’s all about expectations. When you treat your child like a grownup that is invariably how the child will behave. For us it was a suit, but for others it might be something else that communicates to a child that you expect great things from him or her.

In the opening passage of the book of Jeremiah the Hebrew prophet recalls his first encounter with God who instructs him to prophesy. The terrified Jeremiah replies

Ah, Lord God! I don’t know how to speak, for I am still a boy.

But God responds by saying:

Do not say ‘I am still a boy,’ but go wherever I send you and speak whatever I command you. Have no fear [....] for I am with you [....]

As a result Jeremiah turned out to be one of the most prolific and fearless prophets in the entire Bible.

Children are capable of extraordinary things, but that depends, in large measure, on what we as parents expect of them. For in believing in them, they come to believe in themselves.”

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5 Responses to How do people respond to you?

  1. alysonsblog says:

    Im completely fascinated by NLP – I did a short course some tie ago and am committed to doing further study once Ive finished my degree in counselling – thanks for posting this – its so fascinating

    • nlpmum says:

      Hi Alyson – NLP is incredibly useful in counselling – you’ll probably be learning some of it anyway – in an NLP therapy session the change should all come from the client… it’s brilliant it can effect really lasting change incredibly quickly.

  2. Chloe says:

    fascinating post

  3. I am soooooo signing up for more of this – you are so right, and yet I forget it all the time. Really good post – thanks
    Actually Mummy… recently posted..Share Your Birth StoryMy Profile

  4. nlpmum says:

    Tomorrow I’m going to be doing a technique for getting into “the Zone” – should be helpful with NaBloPoMo I’m hoping…. great that you enjoyed the post ;-)
    nlpmum recently posted..Toast a Post FridayMy Profile

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